Ok. Really. Do I have to help the cause of medical science too?

I am planning to back out of the study I said I'd be a part of. Why? Well, because I'm a bad and selfish person. Also, if the study is as loopy as the steps and missteps I've witnessed to get into the damned thing, they'll probably kill me. So here's how it went.

When I first met with the oncologist Dr. Valero back in February, he asked me if I would be part of a study about bone health and cancer drugs and all that. He said it would be a heckuva deal. I'd be put on one or another clinical trial drugs and I wouldn't have to pay for my Actonel the whole time. That appealed to me. Free meds! I says ok, and he says someone will contact me.

Someone called me at work and then mailed me a form. I read the form and called her and asked if she wanted me to mail it back. She said no, that they'd meet with me the next time I was in. So, I stopped taking the Actonel thinking that that drug would be given when I had chemo. But Dr. V didn't mention it at my chemo appointment, and honestly I was so nervous about my first chemo I had forgotten to ask.

When the second chemo came up, three weeks later, I mentioned to Dr. V that I thought I was supposed to be part of a study, and he said, "Yes, they will contact you." But no one did. DITTO at the third appointment.

When I got my appointment schedule in the mail for the fourth chemo, there was a visit to a dental oncologist scheduled for mid-morning. When I got into see Valero, I asked, "Why am I going to a dentist?" He replied, "The study people should have explained that to you," and he went ahead to explain that they'd be checking my teeth to make certain that my teeth-bones (whatever) were in good shape for one of the protocols I'd be on. I said I hadn't heard from anyone and he said he'd find her.

Then a nice person named Kimberly came in and had me sign a bunch of papers. She said I'd be in one of three protocols -- two drugs are administered by mouth, one by infusion. I said fine. I figured if I drew infusion, I'm already having that done every three weeks anyway.

THEN, I get through chemo 4 last Thursday. And then YESTERDAY, when I'm home feeling like someone should have gotten the license number on the garbage truck that ran me down, Kimberly calls to tell me that I've been randomized to the infusion group and that I have an 8 am this morning. I said, "Uh, no. I don't think I'm going to feel like dragging myself in for yet another infusion, given that I'm five days out from chemo. Also, I'm not supposed to get stuck with a needle, even a clean one, this close to chemo, am I?" (I mean, it's in ALL the paperwork. It's why I can't get a pedicure, for God's sake.)

Kimberly says, "Oh, that's ok for this." By which she means, WE can stick you and risk your getting an infection for our study, but your toes have to look like they've been done by a three year old for six months. So I say I can't make it, and she says brightly, "Fine. We can postpone it. I can set you up for Friday." I said I'd call her back.

And when I do call her back, I'm going to tell her I'm not playing unless the infusions can take place during the chemo. First, a "30 minute infusion at MD Anderson" involves driving there, remembering to apply the lidocaine to that the needle doesn't hurt, paying $11 to park the car, having them weigh me, applying more lidocaine, taking my blood pressure, making "oooo" noises about the blood pressure, putting me in a bed, and dripping me with stuff. Oh yes. And remember that NO ONE IS EVER ON TIME at MD Anderson. Each of my chemo sessions has been at least an hour late, if not more. My 10 am appt with the dental oncologist the other day happened at NOON. I'm thinking half a day each time. Good grief. I got a job, people.

So, whattya think? Am I justified here in denying them my body and my time for research? I need an amen.