DAMN! No free tummy tuck after all. Guess I'll have to do it the old-fashioned way. After reading about the recovery from TRAM flap reconstructive surgery, I thought, "Hmmm. That procedure will most certainly totally f*** up my stomach muscles. Wonder what that will do to my crooked back?" And having learned from Shana Ross over the last year-and-a-half, in spades, that abdominal muscles have everything to do with back strength, I thought I'd ask.
When I told the surgeon I have scoliosis, he said, "Hmmm. We could probably do it, but we also don't know exactly how you are put together until we get in there. We might do something that could make your back pain worse, and we couldn't fix it." At that point, all of us (the surgeon, Chuck, the surgeon's fellow, and I) gave out with another collective, "Hmmm," and agreed that we'll do it a more straightforward way: simple mastectomy followed by tissue conservation procedure and reconstruction later on.
This also means less time in the hospital and a faster recovery time, hopefully. Chuck and I are pretty comfortable with this option, so we've decided to quit reading stuff. Some of it can give you the willies! But if you want to read about it, a great source is www.mdanderson.org
My surgeons are Dr. Rosario Hwang for oncology and Dr. Scott Oates for reconstruction. If you've seen either of them on wanted posters let me know, but I think if they're on faculty at MD Anderson, they're probably not total losers.
Bulletins as they occur. I'm still wanting more medical jokes. Come on, folks. You're not trying.
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5 comments:
Ok, here are a couple (and I apologize in advance)
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."
How to tell if you have a really bad HMO:
You go to the doctor complaining of a cough and he says,
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax. Tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
And another one:
This lady goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a serious look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Lady: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have breast cancer and we'll have to do a mastectomy.
Lady: And the really bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Lady: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!
This is more of an English major joke than a doctor joke but it still makes me laugh.
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
stupid, but still kind of funny:
A lady midget goes into a doctor's office on a rainy day and tells the doctor, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch."
And finally, my favorite:
A man comes to a doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors."
He says, "Hop up on the examination table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, he works on her awhile, and then he tells her, "Okay, hop down."
She gets down off the table, stands there a second, and then says, "Doc! I feel great! What'd you do?"
He says, "I cut two inches off the top of your galoshes."
Whoops! I got the midget lady and the guy with the cough out of order! It goes like this:
A man comes to a doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors.
And THEN like this:
A lady midget goes into a doctor's office on a rainy day and tells the doctor, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch."
He says, "Hop up on the examination table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, he works on her awhile, and then he tells her, "Okay, hop down."
She gets down off the table, stands there a second, and then says, "Doc! I feel great! What'd you do?"
He says, "I cut two inches off the top of your galoshes."
sheesh!
Those are good, I'm having trouble coming up with some more. See if everyone has heard this one.
An elderly couple decided to get married and each made doctor appointments for a check-up to see about their general health prior to getting married. After the doctor examined the woman, he called in the man and told her that his future wife has acute angina. The old man says "I'm sure glad to hear that, cause she's got some ugly boobs!"
Musician James Brown’s death was a shocker not just to his adoring fans, but also to his own physician. During a routine medical exam the week prior to his demise, the Godfather of Soul reportedly exclaimed, “I feel good!”
[groan]
Another goodie from Pam Cossey, in Hayes, Kansas (my niece)
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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