A duck walks into a 7-11. He says to the guy at the counter, "Got any grapes?"
The clerk says, "No, we're a convenience store with snacks and beer and stuff like that. We don't carry any produce."
The next day, the duck comes back. Waddles up to the counter and says, "Got any grapes?"
The clerk says, "I told you yesterday. We're a 7-11. We don't have any vegetables or fruits."
The next day, the duck comes back yet again. He approaches the counter. "Got any grapes?"
The clerk is really mad now. "I TOLD YOU. WE DO NOT HAVE PRODUCE. WE DO NOT HAVE GRAPES. And if you come back in here again asking for grapes, I'm going to nail your bill to this counter! GOT IT?"
The next day, the duck returns. He says to the clerk, "Got any nails?"
The clerk says, "No, we don't carry nails."
Says the duck, "Got any grapes?"
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Ducks never fly upside-down. Otherwise, they quack up.
A duck walks into a pharmacy, asks for some chapstick, and says "put it on my bill".
How do you get down from a duck?
Use a ladder.
Duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom.
"Shall I put it on your bill?" asks the pharmacist.
Replies the duck, "What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?"
What do you call a cat that swallows a duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus.
but my favorite joke of all times...
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children?
Because everytime his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.
Now that's funny people.
Stacy
That's not a duck joke but I just spit on my keyboard.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What do they want with a plasterer?"
Okay, I don't know any duck jokes; only true stories. Our Uncle Jeff said he knew that his son, Clay had a beer party out at their lake in Southern Illinois. Clay had a shocked look on his face and replied that he must not have picked up all the beer caps. Uncle Jeff said, "No, one of my ducks choked to death on a condom."
Ok, now THAT's funny, people!!
Grasshopper goes into a bar. Climbs up on the barstool and orders a beer. The bartender brings him the beer and then says, "We have a drink named after you." Grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named MAURICE?"
I don't know any duck jokes, but here goes the only joke I can ever remember.
Why do always take 2 Baptists with you when you go fishing?
Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
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